We're All Mad Here (Tim Miller's Twisted Tales Book 1) Read online

  We’re All Mad

  Here

  Tim Miller

  © 2015 Tim Miller All Rights Reserved

  While the characters within this book are inspired by Alice in Wonderland, a public domain work, the liberties the author has taken in regard to character descriptions, worlds created and changes in names of various characters remains property of Tim Miller and GutWrench Productions and is protected by U.S. Copyright Law.

  Cover Photographer and Model: Juss Stinson

  Table of Contents

  Title Page

  Copyright Page

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 1

  Alice was sick of following her sister around everywhere. She had just turned eighteen, yet still was being treated like a child. Today’s chore was to check the wild hog traps. They’d been getting into their grandparents farm and eating the corn crops. Grandpa said they’d lost thousands of dollars because of the beasts.

  They approached the first trap which was basically a pen with some animal carcasses and plants. The feral hogs were a huge problem all over Texas. They were tough animals and scavengers who bread faster than they died and were hard to kill. So you end up with herds of these things wrecking the countryside.

  “Alice, quit daydreaming and come on!” Amy called out. She was two years older than Alice, and had always been the crown princess of the family. Oh look at Amy! She got all A’s. Alice? Why can’t you get all A’s? You had a C this term? Oh goody! Amy made the cheerleading squad! Hey Alice? Why don’t you stop wearing those big sweaters and baggy pants and try out for cheerleading? Oh yeah and maybe lose twenty or thirty pounds too. You’d look just like Amy if you lost some weight!

  She had to stop thinking about it as it was making her angry. Once they reached the trap, Alice saw it was empty. Not only was it empty, but the latch on the door had been busted.

  “Holy shit,” Amy said. “You think the hogs busted out of here?”

  “It had to be an awful strong hog,” she said. They were standing just past the cornfield, near a small creek that ran through the property. It was still spring, so the fresh water flowed nicely. By summer it would be completely dry. Alice looked around at the trap when she heard something in the bushes nearby.

  “You hear that?” Alice said.

  “Hear what? You seriously need to get your ears checked. Fuckin’ hearing shit.”

  The rustling occurred again. This time louder.

  “There it was, right over there!” Alice said and pointed.

  “You’re fucking nuts. I’m going back. You want to stay out here and play in the bushes, that’s on you.” Amy said as she turned and began walking. Alice crept to the bushes to see what the sound was. She pushed some sticks aside, and first was greeted by a horrible smell. The smell of rot, decay and death. As she worked her way through the brush she saw it. First a dozen flies buzzing around, then the dead hog.

  The hog’s side was ripped open and something large and furry was chowing down on the carcass. She made a slight yelp at the horrific site as the furry creature turned around. It was a rabbit, but like a huge jack rabbit. The thing was the size of a Labrador with huge teeth that almost looked like fangs. There was blood caked to its fur with something long, red and stringing dripping from its mouth. At first she was afraid the thing would attack her, but instead it let out a hiss before it turned and ran.

  Against her better judgment, Alice chased after the thing. She’d never seen something so bizarre. It was like a chupacabra cross bred with a rabbit. Like some sort of Easter Bunny from Hell. She ran along behind it to see where it was going or maybe where it came from. The thing galloped on all fours and for its size was extremely fast. She kept up as best she could, pushing her way through trees and bushes, as branches scraped against her face.

  The rabbit disappeared into a bush as Alice came to a halt. The bush was large with thorns coming off the branches. It wasn’t like anything she’d ever seen before. The leaves were red and purple with some yellow mixed in. As she worked her way in, she saw it. There was a large rabbit hole just within the bush. This was also huge, at least two feet around. Alice leaned in and felt a breeze coming from inside the hole. That was rather strange. She leaned closer and felt the breeze again, this time much stronger. Then the breeze reversed itself and turned into suction. The suction was powerful, pulling her headfirst into the hole. She fought and struggled but it was too strong, pulling her into the darkness inch by inch.

  Finally she was freefalling into the blackness as she flailed head over heels. Through the fall she heard screaming and wailing. Looking down, it appeared she was falling through some black tunnel. There was literally a light at the end of the tunnel racing closer toward her, getting larger as she approached. She burst through the hole and tumbled through a patch of thick grass. Once she stopped rolling, she looked around trying to figure out where she was.

  The sky was dark and gray, though the grass was green and thick. Someone was snickering from behind her. As she turned and looked the bizarre rabbit was standing there along with a strange...strange man? She wasn’t sure. He was slightly taller than she, but his face, well his whole head was that of a Day of the Dead sugar skull. He was wearing a huge black top hat and a tuxedo.

  “You idiot!” The skull man screamed at the rabbit. “You were supposed to bring back food, not guests!”

  “I was hungry! I didn’t expect her to follow me! Maybe she can be food!”

  “Oh don’t be silly. We probably have plenty as it is.” He turned and looked at her. “Hello my dear. Sorry to be so rude. Would you care to join us for dinner?” He took a quick bow as he removed his hat, revealing that his head actually was a large skull.

  “Umm, where am I? Who are you?” She asked.

  “They call me The Splatter. You’ll learn why shortly. I see you’ve already met my colleague, White Rabid.”

  “Rabid? You mean rabbit?” Alice asked.

  “Does he look like a rabbit to you? No, I think not. He looks more like a rabid beast. Not sure what he is to be honest, not that it matters. So he’s White Rabid. Come join us, the table is already set.” He held out a gloved hand, and helped Alice to her feet. They walked down a short but winding trail that opened to a clearing. Once they arrived, Alice saw the dinner table. There was several other strange creatures gathered around and in the center of the table was a naked man.

  The naked man was bound by his hands and feet. He was resting on his knees with his hands bound behind him. There was an apple shoved into his mouth and bloody holes were his eyes used to be. He was crying and whimpering as the other guests stared at him, their forks and knives at the ready.

  “You’re going to eat a man for dinner?” She asked.

  “Well of course. They’re quite nourishing.”

  “That’s murder! That’s disgusting!”

  “Perhaps where you’re from. Here it’s just another day in Wonderland.”

  “Where are his eyes?”

  “Since I don’t have any of my own, I figured I’d try out his.” The Splatter said as he reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out a pair of glasses, placing them on his face. The glasses were plain frames but a pair of eyeballs were stuck to the outside, staring at her in a horrific and dead gaze.

  “Jesus Christ! What is wrong with you people? You’re all fucking mad!”

  “Why yes Alice, very astute of you. We’re all mad here.”


  Chapter 2

  “Are we gonna eat or what!” White Rabid called from the table. “I’m starving!”

  “He was eating a dead hog’s guts out in the woods when I found him,” Alice said.

  “Oh I have no doubt of that,” The Splatter said. “Don’t mind him at all, he’s always hungry. Let’s sit shall we?”

  He guided her to the table, but all she wanted to do was run. The man tied up as their dinner continued crying and whimpering. White Rabid was seated across from Alice. There was a strange old man slouched in his chair and a pair of twins both dressed in overalls. They spoke funny, in some weird rhyme and finishing each other’s sentences.

  “I can’t wait to...”

  “Eat, now smell my...”

  “Feet, and throw your ass out on the...”

  “Street. Our meat likes to cry, he has no...”

  “Class, I’ll shove my knife...

  “Straight up his ass...”

  She looked at The Splatter and back at the twins. The Splatter shrugged.

  “They always do that. Just ignore them.”

  “Ok, then.”

  “Watch this,” Rabid said. “Now you’ll see why they call him Splatter.”

  “Rabid! Don’t spoil the surprise for our guest. This shall be a memorable event for our friend. Everyone get your umbrellas ready.”

  Alice watched as each of them picked up an umbrella lying on the table next to their plates. She followed along, picking hers up and opening it. Splatter reached under the table and came up holding a huge mallet, like something you’d see at a carnival.

  “Here we go kids! Get ready!”

  He took a swing, striking the bound up man’s head, which exploded and sprayed brains, blood and bones over all the dinner guests. Most of the gore landed on the umbrellas. Alice cringed as the rest of the guests cheered around the table. Splatter took another swing, sending more blood and gore spraying. He took several more until the man was a heap of bloody flesh.

  “Now to carve the turkey.” He began carving away at the man’s back, cutting off several medium steaks and placing them on plates and passing them around. The twins got theirs and seemed just a bit too excited over it. They placed pieces of meat on their forks and held it over the small burners placed in the center of the table.

  “Have a...”

  “Seat. It’s time for...”

  “Meat. Splatter bashed in the man’s...”

  “Head. He’s such a...”

  “Putz. With blood and...”

  “Guts. And eat until he’s...”

  “Dead.”

  “That doesn’t even make any sense?” Alice said.

  “They never do,” Rabid said.

  Alice was trying to be repulsed by having just seen a grown man have his head bashed in and carved up like a turkey. Yet the craziness all around her was so much to take in. Splatter placed a large hunk of meat onto her plate. Blood pooled around the piece of human steak. Rabid was mowing down on his. Sadly he was a lip smacker and the sound alone was enough to want to make Alice throw up, let alone know he was eating human flesh.

  “You gonna eat that?” Rabid asked. “By the looks of you, I bet you will.” He was referring to her plump figure. That was the reason she wore baggy clothes. She wasn’t thin and athletic like her sister. She was overweight and curvy. The mere fact she did not look like her sister apparently angered many in her life. Even this jackhole talking rabbit was starting in on her about weight.

  “Umm, no. You can have it.”

  “Nonsense! Rabid, what poor manners. Don’t put our guest on the spot begging for her food! There’s plenty!” Splatter declared.

  “Oh no it’s fine, I’m not really hungry.”

  “Oh no my dear. You need your strength!” Splatter cut up additional pieces and threw them onto her plate. They landed with a sick squishing sound. The twins were going off on some other strange soliloquy.

  “Rub a dub...”

  “Dub. Go fuck yourself.” They said.

  “That doesn’t even rhyme.” Alice said.

  “No, I’m afraid they don’t always rhyme as clever as they are. Would you like some soup?” The Splatter asked.

  “Yes! Soup sounds great!” She was so starving and this was all so surreal. Was that really dead human flesh on her plate? The Splatter placed a bowl of soup in front of her. She grabbed the spoon and scooped some out only to see several severed fingers come bobbing up. This was more than she could take as she jumped out of her seat, dropping her umbrella.

  “Where are you going? You haven’t even touched your dinner.” The Splatter said.

  “I...I can’t. I’m sorry. It’s just too gross.”

  “Now that is no way to treat your hosts. You’re not being a very good guest.”

  “I’m sorry, but you’re eating people. That’s...that’s wrong. I can’t!”

  “Let’s eat her next Splat! Bahahaha!” Rabid called out. She stepped back as each of them began moving toward her.

  “Come on Alice,” The Splatter said. “Come sit with us. You know it’ll be fun.”

  “Yeah, come on. You’re our guest!”

  Alice continue to backpedal while shaking her head.

  “No, no. Please!”

  The Splatter ripped off his dead eye ball glasses revealing the two huge holes where his eyes should be. He clenched his gloved fists as he leaned toward her.

  “Get back over here you fucking cunt! Or we’ll cut your tits off!” He screamed. She freaked out, turned and ran through the strange woods. There were giant mushrooms and strange looking trees that were pink, yellow and red, though several trees had dead bodies hanging off of them by a noose. She wondered if those were former dinner guests as well. She ran past one body and there was another, then another.

  Before she knew it, the forest was saturated with hanging dead bodies. Some were freshly dead, others were rotting corpses just dangling. There was no way to get around them, she had to push her way through them as if they were dead human curtains. She pushed through several more and felt herself falling. With a splash she landed into a thick red river. It was blood, the entire river was made of blood and pushing her downstream. The smell and coppery taste made her want to throw up. She tried to swim ashore but the current was too strong, pushing her straight. As she tried to relax, hoping there’d be something she can grab onto, the thought was interrupted by a loud roaring sound. Looking up ahead she saw it. A waterfall, and she headed right for it.

  Chapter 3

  Alice looked for something to grab onto as the river of blood disappeared over the waterfall, or bloodfall. She went right down it, hoping the fall wouldn’t kill her. She landed with a splash and was sucked under. The thick, coppery taste of blood filled her mouth as she struggled back to the surface. The river was much calmer as she swam ashore and climbed out.

  Lying on her back, staring at the gray sky, she held her hands in front of her face. Thick, red and goopy blood was caked on her arms and clothing.

  “Well, look what the cat dragged in,” someone said.

  She jumped to her feet and on a large rock behind her was a huge cat, like bigger than a grizzly bear big. It was resting on the rock with a huge grin on its face. Though after closer examination it wasn’t a grin at all. It had no lips, only teeth.

  “You’re a long way from home little one,” the cat said.

  “What the hell?” She screamed, but took a deep breath. “Jesus. I have got to get used to weird ass creatures talking to me here.”

  “So we’re just creatures to you? How rude. I should eat you right now.”

  “And what is with all of you eating people?”

  “Well, we all have to eat. And a nice plumper like you could feed me for a week at least,” the cat said.

  “God you are disgusting.”

  “Say what you want sister, you’re the one covered in that filth. You really aren’t from around here are you?”

  “No. I’m from Texas.”<
br />
  “Where is that?”

  “I don’t know. I don’t even know where here is.”

  “Here is wherever you are, and you are here, so here is what here is. There is where there is,” it said.

  “Yeah, that made perfect sense.”

  “But of course it does. I gather you aren’t enjoying the wonders of Wonderland?”

  “Yeah, this place is fucked.”

  “What is fucked?”

  “Never mind. Any idea how I can get back home?”

  “Well how did you get here?”

  “I fell down a rabbit hole and landed here, but there seems to be no way back.”

  “Oh you’re one of those. What were you doing in a rabbit hole anyway?”

  “Long story,” she said. “Do you know or not?”

  He sat thinking as his eyes gazed up at the sky.

  “Ummm, no. But I know someone who does know.”

  “And who would that be?”

  “Well the Queen of course she’s ruled Wonderland for centuries. If anyone would know, it would be her.”

  “Ok, where do I find her?”

  “Simple, look behind me.”

  She walked around the huge cat and looked behind him.

  “What am I looking for?”

  “There should be a yellow brick road.”

  “A yellow brick road? There is nothing like that.”

  “Oh right. That’s another story. So no yellow brick road. Let’s see. Ok I got it. See that large hill in the distance?”

  “I see it,” Alice said. The hill was miles away and surrounded by forest, fields and even a large patch of rocks.

  “Her palace in just on the other side. So head that way and keep going, and you won’t miss it.”

  “You can’t just take me there?”

  “Now why would I do that?”

  “I don’t know. To be nice.”

  “Haha, cute. Look at me. Do I look like something nice?”

  “No, not at all.”

  “Good. Besides, it will be more fun to watch you run for your life.”

  “From what?” But before he could answer, she heard the barking. There was a pack of dogs barking and howling. From around a patch of the giant mushrooms, a pack of gigantic dogs appeared, or wolves or something with huge ass teeth and looking pissed off. There were dozens of them headed right for her. She wasn’t sure but it looked like smoke came out of one of their noses.